Good morning, I'm Shwalter Klondike, and welcome to coverage of the inauguration of the 44th President of the United States; Isabel Shellies Roverandom. It is an historic day as America swears in its first female, Jewish Canine President. Isabel has waved the limo motorcade and is walking to the dias on the Capitol steps. She is looking very dignified in her Ruff Rider Roadie harness. The coat is shiny, the eyes clear. Her parents are visibly proud of their little Shellies who came from the mean streets of North Carolina, overcame accute separation anxiety, and is now poised to take the oath of office and head the executive branch of the Federal Government.
Beside her is her loyal sister Rosie who has her own story of rags to riches as it were, coming from a neglectful home where she was mistreated and unwanted. She is about to become Attorney General and has vowed to prosecute animal abusers, setting new standards of sentencing, including bizarre and humiliating punishments.
Wait...they're stopping...Isabel has cocked her head to one side and has lifted her left paw. The secret service has moved into a shield position...
"SQUIRREL!!! SQUIRREL!!!" Agents are shouting and Isabel and Rosie have charged off Pennsylvania Avenue and are barking up a rather large oak. There is more barking now. Dogs from the crowd are at the tree now. The squirrel is up out of the tree and on a power line, well out of reach. Secret Service agents are breaking up the crowd now. Isabel and Rosie are back on the street with only furtive glances back to the tree just in case the squirrel is back.
They are approaching the steps of the Capitol now. Isabel is stepping over to some shrubbery and she piddles on it. I think we can take this as a sign that Isabel is going to be placing her stamp on a Congress that has been running amok lately.
She has taken her place at the podium. Chief Justice John Roberts is at the podium to perform the swearing in. There was some speculation that she would select someone else to perform this duty as she has repeatedly referred to Roberts as a, and I quote, "Pinhead." But rumor has it that she considers this her best opportunity to pee on him. Let's go now direct to the podium for the Oath of Office.
"Place your left paw on the Ultimate Dog Care Guide, raise your right hand, and repeat after me.
"I, Isabel Shellies Roverandom, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."
"I Isabel Shellies Roverandom do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."
And that's it everyone. Isabel is now the 44th President of the United States. There is thunderous applause and barking. I here some meowing as well. Let us not forget that Isabel also received a large segment of votes from the feline population in November. She has yet to appoint of Scretary of Feline Relations which has some cats nervous, but with a feline National Security Advisor, CIA Director, and Press Secretary I have a feeling that the cats will be quite pleased with how this administration reaches out to the feline community.
Isabel is now preparing to deliver her inaugural address.
"My fellow Americans, it is with great pride and confidence that I come before you today to assume the Presidency. When I launched my campaign last Fall it was my hope that we could come together to bring an end to the inane stupidity of the Shrub administration and move this country foward, bringing America back as the leader of democracy, freedom, and compassion that she once was. The challenge is great. The Shrub has left America a shambles with the greatest defecit it's ever known, and bogged down in wars overseas with no end in sight. Across the country communities are passing laws designed to enable the genocide of entire breeds of dogs. Dogs are abused, trained to fight and kill other dogs, are neglected, are forgotten. In the wake of Hurricane Katrina it became obvious that the shortcomings of our society are most strongly reflected in the lack of value placed on pets by our civic officials who had no provision for the evacuation of animal members of families caught in the path of destruction. The challenge is great, but I believe our resolve is greater.
The Shrub administration's lust for war in Iraq has exposed us to new threats from terrorists and rogue states like Iran. Iran's President Mahmoud Igogetajob is a loose canon. We're gonna bomb the crap out of him, and Iran's nuclear facilities because let's face it--the UN ain't gonna do squat about it. In Iraq we are going to encourage democracy. But we need to face the reality that the Sunnis and Shiites hate each other's guts and most likely always will. And the Kurds simply want to have a place that is theirs. In accepting this we must realize that the only way to stabilize Iraq is to create a federation of autonomous ethnic regions with a centralized government to provide for the common defense and promote the general welfare (share the oil money). But there are two forces that threaten Iraq's future: Al-Qaeda, and Haliburton. To rid Iraq of this dual scourge we will be employing a new strategy, one that marries technology and bowel movements. Believe me when I say that they won't know what hit 'em.
But what of the "forgotten war" in Afganistan? Sorry President Karzai. Let's face it you're nothing more than the glorified mayor of Kabul, and a tool of the Shrub. Afganistan needs a dog based government to bring democracy, and rid the country of the Taliban once and for all. We will be leading an effort to replace the human government of Afganistan with an Afgan Hound government that we can trust to bring order and stop the killing, sniff out landmines, and restore hope to the children who have lost everything in decade after decade of conflict.
But what of America? Here we face the human stupidity of Breed Specific Legislation where dogs owned by irresponsible criminals, and uneducated neglegent people are executed, along with the gentle, well trained beloved pets of responsible families. Families are being torn apart all across this nation and innocent animals who never harmed anyone are being killed. They used to do that to people in a place we call Nazi Germany. We sent millions to war to stop that regime, but it happens to our animals every day. It was the great Mohatma Gandhi who said that you can tell much about a society by the way it treats its animals. If that is true then our society is a disaster! I say this genocide must stop! I say that a country that considers itself the leader of the free world should take responsibility for its actions, not blame and punish dogs for the ignorance and criminal activity of their owners! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A BAD DOG, ONLY BAD OWNERS! And I say to the Denvers, Detroits, and Prince George's Counties of America SHAME ON YOU!!! You don't have the backbone or resolve to fight the real problems in your communities so you kill dogs instead. You are a bunch of uncivilized, thoughtless, spineless weenies that shouldn't be allowed to reproduce! You degrade the human gene pool with your ignorance!
My administration's BSL Task Force will join with other groups to fight BSL and promote real solutions like preventing drug dealers and violent criminals from being allowed to own animals and prosecuting abusive and neglectful owners who will receive real jail time, not a slap on the wrist. And if your ill-trained animal kills you will be tried for capital murder, not the dog who was merely a victim of your negligence and cruelty. Those dogs will not be killed, but will be allowed to live in a feral dog preserve where they will hunt members of PETA who euthanize dogs they claim they will adopt out, and who promote and support BSL in communities like Denver where pit bull puppies are killed.
Nathan, my Secretary of Health and Canine Services, will be leading my administration's fight to pass Pet Evacuation Legislation so that never again will people be forced to leave their animals behind, or stay in harm's way to protect them. There are still thousands of animals that have yet to be reunited with their families and may never. There are thousands more who died in the storm. We are better than this! We must be, or we lose license to present ourselves as that shining city on a hill.
Sid my Secretary of Seniors and Surgeon General Little Bit will be promoting issues that concern our older canine citizens, and those afflicted with chronic diseases like cancer and diabetes.
And what of our economy? Our humans work harder for less money than ever before. They are strained by rising gas prices, huge deficits, and employers who cut their benefits while giving themselves pay raises. All the while our quality time with them is decreased. No more. We will be establishing the Four for Five Program where all people who have owned an animal for at least a year will be allowed to work four days but get paid for five so that they can spend more time at home with their pets. Members will also be allowed to take a three hour belly rubbin' siesta so they can rub the bellies of their furry pals. Those who do not have pets and would like to participate in the program may do so by attending pet ownership seminars, passing a rigorous licensing program, and adopting an animal from their local shelter. Those who take in pit bulls, and other BSL targeted breeds will receive additional benefits, and additional training.
And we will break our dependence on fossil fuels by using my sister Rosie's Atomic Pooper Collider which will generate clean energy and a useful waste product.
There is a bumper sticker that says, "Lord, let me be the kind of person my dog thinks I am." I challenge you to become that person, to transform the ethics of this country, to show the world the kind of society we are by the way we treat our animals. Ask not what your dog can do for you, ask what you can do for your dog!"
And with that the crowd erupts in applause. The President and Attorney General are chasing each other in big circles and are now running up Pennsylvania Avenue where they will undoubtedly pee on the rose garden and then commence what they are calling, "The mother of all inaugural parties." They have decided to go Andrew Jackson style by throwing a three month kegger at the White House where all citizens with animals are allowed to attend.
This is history in the making. The dawn of the world's first canine administration. God help us.
This is Shwalter Klondike signing off.