Wanted: Friendly, companionably reclusive, socially unacceptable, alcoholically abstemious, tirelessly talkative, zealously unzealous, spiritually intense, minimally turquoise, maximally ecstatic loon seeks moth or moths with similar equalities for purposes of telephonic seduction, Tristan-esque trip-taking, and permanent flame-fluttering. No photos required. Financial status immaterial. All ages and noncompetitive vocations considered. Applications should furnish cassettes of sample conversations, notarized certification of marital disinclination, references re: low-decibel vocal consistency, itinerary and sample receipts from previous, successfully completed out-of-town moth flights. All submissions treated confidentially. No paws need apply. The auditions for all promising candidates will be conducted to and on Anaton, Newfoundland.