I want to have babies!

Valerie DurhamValerie Durham Member Posts: 8,724
edited 10 June, 2008 in Other Meows & Purrs
I want experience all the joys of being pregnant, giving birth, nursing, and most of all, having kids (Little League, braces, Christmas, Disney Land...) but I hear that I will have 430,000 kittens in 7 years. I think that would really tire me out, also Mommy\'s apartment is awfully small for 430,000 cats. Is there a possibility that the number could be a bit lower, say like 427,000 cats? Mommy thinks maybe we could fit in that many if we tried really hard...
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Comments

  • Faye DufourFaye Dufour Destrehan, LA/New Orleans areaMember Posts: 4,648
    edited 5 June, 2008
    Harvey - SHAME ON YOU!!!.....meowmy was all set to open this post and fuss at the person who thought their female cats "wanted" to have kittens. As soon as meowmy saw your picture, she started to laugh, and said......"Oh well, its Harvey"......MOL, MOL..... Pete Fountain, Louis Armstrong, Emma Barrett & Benny Grunch:h::h:
  • Jenna LuskJenna Lusk Pacific NWMember Posts: 2,034
    edited 5 June, 2008
    Harvey, your sense of humor is so dry that it's almost wet. What? I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw it was you who made the post!!!
  • Tiffany McConnellTiffany McConnell OmahaMember Posts: 30,862
    edited 5 June, 2008
    MOL!!! Harvey, Harvey, Harvey.... you are a silly boy!!! :))!
  • Nuk AnukNuk Anuk Member Posts: 846
    edited 5 June, 2008
    Harvey! Kittens?! You want to be a Mom-cat, live the Mom-cat life...::o (You sure that tiara is not too tight on your head?) Anatomy and Biology... You were born on the wrong side of that one, my friend. Listen, you can always *adopt* a fur-baby surogate. I have that little brown bear that I cuddle. Binks has his My Little Pony. Sure it's not the *real* thing, but we have imaginations that make up for our lack of gestations.
  • Valerie DurhamValerie Durham Member Posts: 8,724
    edited 5 June, 2008
    Sorry, it was six in the morning at Kinko\'s, I had been up all night (insomnia), and I just started getting a bit silly. First of all, I realize that it was a silly joke about a serious issue, and in that sense, may have struck some readers as being in bad taste. Of course, my intention was never to deny or depreciate the cat overpopulation problem. Rather, my motivations for writing the post (and I\'ll admit it, I had fun writing it!) were absurdist more than anything else. Nuk/Anuk was the only one to point out the obivious (that I\'m the wrong sex to give birth, let alone nurse), but no one chose to add the fact that, even if I wanted to become a father, my nuggets are gone, and what\'s been thrown away can\'t be retrieved. Ah, my lost Intacts... :(( As for a substitute child; alas, I am really either of such limited intelligence that I can\'t relate to toys of any variety (either ones that do or don\'t move, whatever), or of such superior mental ability that I\'ve figured out that toys are dumb. So, unfortunately, Nuk/Anuk\'s kind suggestion that I find a child substitute is not going to work...Not to mention the fact that I don\'t even LIKE kittens: my continuing feuds with Chibi are evidence of that. I promise you, my jokes won\'t get in any worse taste than this. :-# P.S. \"Your sense of humor is so dry that it\'s almost wet\"? Har har har...make that shaken, not stirred. And with a lemon twist, please.
  • Lissa NicholsonLissa Nicholson SydneyMember Posts: 1,562
    edited 5 June, 2008
    Harvey, if anyone can do it, I am sure it would be you!:)):))
  • Valerie DurhamValerie Durham Member Posts: 8,724
    edited 5 June, 2008
    :))! :))! :))! Well, maybe if I put my mind to it, I could figure out a way to give birth...Meowmy has a male friend who nurses another friend\'s baby when he goes to visit (obviously, he doesn\'t produce milk, but that doesn\'t bother Baby). ...This is TOTALLY off-topic, and naughty to boot (prim people: stop reading RIGHT NOW), but at dog and cat shows (mostly dog shows), there have been cases of contestants being disqualified for having FAKE Intacts (hmm, maybe shoulda put that one in the Fake Cats thread...). There are two reasons for this kind of surgical augmentation. They are: pedigreed dogs/cats lack the advantage of natural selection, and are more prone to mutations such as Cryptorchidism (I\'ll probably get into trouble with HQ again for not using a word a seven year old understands), in which one or two Intacts does not descend into the **** (hey, if Wikipedia can say it, I can too!!!). Cryptorchidism automatically disqualifies a contestant (no one questions what the exhibitors themselves have beneath their clothes, however). The other reason is that it\'s much more prestigious to compete in the Champion (meaning Intact) class rather than the Premiership (meaning spayed/neutered) class, and some owners have second thoughts about Rover or Lucky after the old snip-and-tuck is over. So...they resort to fake appendages called \"Neuticles\" (actually, so far they appear to be solely for dogs), which are silicon implants similar to what human ladies have inserted when they want to improve on what nature gave them. ...Actually, I\'ve forgotten why I added this in the first place. Oh, yes, I just wanted to say that even if Harvey got Neuticles, they would be of no use, because they (as far as we know) don\'t produce those energetic little tadpoles that are necessary for procreation. :P
  • Karin PruessnerKarin Pruessner DurbanMember Posts: 2,110
    edited 5 June, 2008
    MOL, Harvey!!! That is hilarious!! You mean, when a tom tries to romance me I have to check if he is fake or the real thing?? :))! :))! :))! :))! :))!
  • Valerie DurhamValerie Durham Member Posts: 8,724
    edited 5 June, 2008
    Gosh, you're a pretty cat, Punky (those BIG eyes!), and if I were Intact (yuck, yuck) you'd be high on my list of girls I'd like to do some courtin' with. Unfortunately, I see you have a ring from some tom cat named "Chessy." I also notice that you live in South Africa! Yay international Catsters! And LOVE that fabulous background design...so wild, so 70's, so YOU! (I think I may steal it for myself...) Anyway, back to your question. :))! :))! :))! The operation isn't too common, and seems to be limited to dogs, so I wouldn't worry if I were you (unless you're into canines as well as Chessy...). :q Anyway, we're cats. Judges might be fooled, but don't you think that cats would sense something not quite right--silicon odor, or reduced pheromone scent because of lowered testosterone levels (I assume this occurs when a cat is neutered). I've never really watched what cats do when they're, er, having a good time, but I know that smelling under the tail is a typical starter...On the other hand, I don't seem to have seen female cats "pawing" this area of the male cat anatomy. Neutered cats not infrequently engage in mounting behavior with both unspayed and spayed females (and even males) (my previous cats, who were brother and sister and both alters, did this on an average of once a month. I have noticed the same behavior with my current cats. Professional cat breeders sometimes have something called "Teaser Toms," who have had vasectomies but NOT been castrated, as are neutered males. THESE cats, apparently, are able to effect penetration, which satisfies females who have gone into heat when their breeders do not want to breed them. Which, I assume, means that being Intact or not being Intact determines the ability to carry off the procreative act correctly (although I suppose there are always some Intact Bozos who can't figure it out, and voila! their genetic material disappears for all eternity). I assume, but do not know for a fact, that this is due to testosterone levels. Anyway, to answer your question: before becoming fully intimate with ANY partner, make sure that you know everything possible about their health status, which I assume would include whether their equipment is the real thing or not.
  • FelixFelix Member Posts: 45,573 ✭✭✭
    edited 5 June, 2008
    :))! :))! :))! :))! :))! Harvey, you are simply hilarious! My typist is laughing so hard she can hardly type this. Like a previous poster, she saw this thread and thought it was by some irresponsible cat owner who wanted to experience the miracle of birth, etc., etc. I've been reading a lot of your other posts here in the forums and love your dry, irreverent sense of humor. I'm learning a lot of things about cat and dog shows I never knew, either! MOL! :h: :h:
  • Shelley CoxShelley Cox CarbondaleMember Posts: 2,752
    edited 5 June, 2008
    It's Fluff. We didn't know they could do vasectomies on male kittens! It seems like really, really detailed surgery and might be easy to make a mistake. What a very strange world the world of cat breeding must be! :-O I think I'll stick with knocking over my person's plants to vent my energies! I wouldn't mind having a kitten to play with but I only cuddle with my person, or occasionally one of my sisters. We have our "uncle," Blackcat, who lived with our Momcat and took care of all us kittens, even though most of them were not his kittens. We think he might actually be a half-brother to us, but he is very good with kittens, washing and disciplining them. He seems to miss the company.
  • stef andstef and LemesosMember Posts: 1,132
    edited 5 June, 2008
    When I read the post I was determine to scratch your face but luckily I realised that you're a little boy with a weird sense of huor for cats!:))!:h::))!:h::))!:h::))!:h:MOL MOL MOL
  • joy wampolejoy wampole Member Posts: 626
    edited 5 June, 2008
    OMC! Here it is Monday a.m and I haven\'t eveen finished my first cup of coffee yet. fake implants!? Oh my goodness.....:))!:))!:))! Well I must say I am just glad that this was just Harvey being silly and not a real post about a cat getting ready to spew forth more kittens into the world! Thanks for the laugh Harvey , xxoo Sophie and mom:))
  • Lissa NicholsonLissa Nicholson SydneyMember Posts: 1,562
    edited 5 June, 2008
    "Neuticles"?!?! What a crazy world we live in!
  • Valerie DurhamValerie Durham Member Posts: 8,724
    edited 5 June, 2008
    ...Psst, Suey--I know we\'re not supposed to sell things on Caster, but I can get you some used Neuticles cheap. (Only problem is that they were originally made for a Great Dane who later had second thoughts and chose sex reassignment surgery instead. S/he is now named Suzy and living in Kalamazoo, Michigan.) Interested? :D
  • Patricia ParkerPatricia Parker ClevelandMember Posts: 1,093
    edited 5 June, 2008
    What a fun thread! I'll have to come by here more often. Harvey, You are the "last comic standing" or sitting. :))
  • Valerie DurhamValerie Durham Member Posts: 8,724
    edited 5 June, 2008
    Well, if the statistics hold true, I\'ll be having 430,000 babies in seven years, so probably every time you drop by, there will be a new little one to show you. Drop by any ol\' time, y\'hear! :-h
  • Valerie DurhamValerie Durham Member Posts: 8,724
    edited 5 June, 2008
    And now, back to our sponsor--Neuticles! If you think these posts are funny, the actual Neuticle site, which is DEAD SERIOUS, beats my comic abilities hands down. Check it out for yourself: http://www.neuticles.com/ (I would say \"Warning--Adult content; parental discretion recommended,\" but hey, we\'re talking about DOGS here.) :q (Do you think he\'s got Neuticles?) Anyway, for those of you who are surreptitiously viewing this at work and don\'t have enough time to fiddle with a non-live link, here are some of the highlights (in Dave Barry\'s immortal words, \"I am not making this up\"). \"Over 250,000 caring pet owners Worldwide have selected Neuticles as a safe, practical and inexpensive option when neutering. Neuticles allows your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering. With Neuticles®--It\'s like nothing ever changed...\" Gosh, doesn\'t that make you want to run out and get some, even if you\'re not a dog, and not a male, either, for that matter? Not that Neuticles is lacking for satisfied customers. Here is testimony from Archie P. Kallikak regarding his Neuticlization of his Dachshund Fido (not their real pseudonyms): \"Dear Neuticles, I had my standard Dachshund, Fido, neutered six months ago using Neuticles. I am very glad that I did so. Fido has the same look as before and I am extremely pleased with the results. Some of my friends have commended me for being a caring owner who knew the importance of maintaining Fido\'s natural look. I gladly advertise to everyone. Thank you again for your wonderful product. I have attached a photo of Fido and me - two happy Neuticles advocates. Archie P. Kallikak\" Some other testimonials: What Pet Owners are Saying about Neutering with Neuticles® \"My terrier, Ricky, is soon to have his 9th birthday, and his Neuticles will have their anniversary shortly thereafter. We\'ve never regretted the small additional expense of Neuticles when his original equipment was removed.\" \"I\'ve put off neutering \"Crooked Jack\" for months (Harvey comment: WHAT\'S crooked???) and when I found out about Neuticles and spoke to them it made me feel better about neutering. Jack not only looks the same now- but dosen\'t know he\'s missing anything.\" \"He\'s a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one.\" And highlights from the FAQs: (1) \"Do Neuticles come in different models? \" \"Neuticles are available in four models: NeuticleOriginals (rigid firmness) NeuticleNatural (natural firmness) and Neuticles UltraPLUS and Neuticles UltraPLUS with Epididymis. Each are crafted from FDA medically-approved (for human use) materials- replicating the animals testicle in size, shape, weight and feel. \" (2) \"My vet said my dog wont know that he\'s missing anything. Is that true? \" \"People know their beloved pet. Their pet can tell them when they are hungry, want to play, don\'t feel well, hide when approaching the vet\'s office or will get excited when driving by or going to the park- why wouldn\'t the pet know a familiar body part is missing? Would he know if his foot was cut off? Of course he would- its only common sense. \" Hmm...I always sorta thought that was true. I don\'t have those big, macho Intacts like those cat show Championship Class guys have--although with all my fur you can\'t tell anyway. Still, given my druthers... According to the Neuticles site, they DO have them for cats, as well as bulls, horses, and \"any pet which has been neutered\" (does this include ferrets? Gerbils? Armadillos?). Actually, in the FAQ section they do make the point that Neuticles can help with the pet overpopulation problem because there are some people (read: mostly men) who are reluctant to cut off Rover or Tigger\'s Intacts. With Neuticles, you can have a pet who has the look of an Intact animal, without the worries associated with failure to neuter. They do have a point there, I suppose, although one wonders about those humans who anthropomorphosize their pets to the point that they feel the pain of the scalpel when Bowser gets his little nip and tuck. The End :o)
  • Faye DufourFaye Dufour Destrehan, LA/New Orleans areaMember Posts: 4,648
    edited 5 June, 2008
    Oh Harvey......only YOU could manage to combine a (hilarious by the way) description of Neuticles and manage to use the name of a character in "Tobacco Road" (Kallikak). Our meowmy's vet told her about these when Louie and I had our surgery - that was two years ago and at that time only available for dogs. Meowmy laughed and laughed......but the vet said she had done the surgery on a Rottweiler whose owner was "bothered" by "that which was no longer there". So the vet did the surgery.....the whole thing sounds to us like a way to make money off people. But at least they are having their male animals neutered, so it is something anyway.... Emma Barrett, Louis Armstrong, Benny Grunch & Pete Fountain P.S. Check out the "Marmite" Forum - I wrote a letter to Tambolina and know you would enjoy it.:))!:))!:))!
  • Valerie DurhamValerie Durham Member Posts: 8,724
    edited 5 June, 2008
    Aha! I\'m glad somebody picked up on Kallikak! (I had to find SOME pseudonym.) I only know it from the infamous Kallikak/Jukes eugenics studies in the first part of the 20th century. And now I think I\'ll mosey on down to Marmite Land...Always something interesting going on down there. Hope you\'re not just toying with Ms. Tambolina\'s affections, y\'all. She\'s a sensitive and VERY special gal. (But alas, not a Norwegian Forest Cat...)
  • Jenna LuskJenna Lusk Pacific NWMember Posts: 2,034
    edited 5 June, 2008
    How about Nautical Neuticles... for the rugged sea-faring type!!!!
  • FelixFelix Member Posts: 45,573 ✭✭✭
    edited 5 June, 2008
    "Neuticles" to help maintain a male dog's self-esteem after being neutered - Good Lord, the world has gone crazy. Just shows you how far we've taken this "self-esteem" obsession. I knew there were people who did bizarre and outlandish things for their pets, but this takes the cake. :))! :))!
  • Alexis McCabeAlexis McCabe Member Posts: 942
    edited 5 June, 2008
    MOL!! This made my day (and i really needed it!!!).. I saw your post and I was like "Oh! Oh! Oh! I wanna read the gossipy fighting on this post! It has to be good!!!" Then I read that and almost DIED! MOL
  • Alexis McCabeAlexis McCabe Member Posts: 942
    edited 5 June, 2008
    Ball implants.... MOL
  • Lissa NicholsonLissa Nicholson SydneyMember Posts: 1,562
    edited 5 June, 2008
    Harvey, do you think I could turn the Great Dane neuticles into a swish pair of earrings? or perhaps a new pendant for my collar? With all the gentlecats making a beeline for Tamba, I thought it time to make more of an effort with my appearance.
  • Shellie DeanShellie Dean BadenMember Posts: 330
    edited 5 June, 2008
    After the shelter stole my testicles, on the way home I saw a huge pair of chrome ones swaying from the trailer hitch of a truck in front of us!:-O
  • Faye DufourFaye Dufour Destrehan, LA/New Orleans areaMember Posts: 4,648
    edited 5 June, 2008
    Gosh Miss Suey: I think you are a MOST attractive lady kitty. It is hard to believe that non of the boy cats on CATSTER have not asked you out. So......that being said......may I have the pleasure of your company for a picnic? I know a lovely place with trees, a creek and LOTS AND LOTS of mice, birds and bugs we can chase. My meowmy would pack up a big baske with whatever is your favorite food - mine is HAM!!! Please let me know your decision....either here or via paw-mail. Benny Grunch (I am the brother of Emma Barrett, Louis Armstrong & Pete Fountain)
  • emma clarkeemma clarke Nottingham Robin Hood CountryMember Posts: 6,819
    edited 5 June, 2008
    Neuticles....what a GOOD idea because animal's 'daddy bags' are just sooo attractive aren't they:-k I mean, every time I see the back end of a neutered dog or cat I'm just so disappointed that I'm not greeted by their proud reproductive organs. Not!
  • Kat WhickerKat Whicker ToledoMember Posts: 1,695
    edited 5 June, 2008
    Harvey, We needed some humor in this hell called "kitten season" my voicemail is full with people who "just cant keep" some adorable kitten they "found" thanks for the laugh though. :))
  • stef andstef and LemesosMember Posts: 1,132
    edited 5 June, 2008
    OMC!You are all crazy!:))!:))!:))!:))!
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