Cat jokes!

Valerie DurhamValerie Durham Member Posts: 8,724
edited 17 June, 2013 in Who's Feeling Silly
These are silly, but you can find them on the Internet. Maybe a bit naughty, but made me laugh. Here's one: Why Cats are Better than Men 1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night. 2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace. 3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where she is. 4. Omitted. 5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night. 6. When a cat comes in at midnight it doesn't wake you up by smashing into the furniture. 7. Cats never pretend they know how to fix the video. 8. Cats don't care what size your body proportions are. 9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong. 10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs however much cellulite you have. 11. Cats can be neutered if they stray. 12. If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy her. 13. It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend. 14. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you. 15. You never have to spend time with your cat's mother. 16. Better chance of training a cat. 17. Cats are cute. 18. A cat is never late for dinner. 19. Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags! 20. You'll never get a call from you cat's ex-wife. 21. A cat would never leave you for a younger woman. 22. Cats treat your mom with respect. 23. Cats don't worry about hair loss. 24. Omitted. 25. A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying. 26. Cats can't show love without meaning it. 27. To buy a fancy dinner for a cat doesn't cost too much. 28. Cats actually think with their heads. 29. Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself. 30. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat. 31. Cats comfort you when you are sick. 32. When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.

Comments

  • Valerie DurhamValerie Durham Member Posts: 8,724
    edited 12 January, 2011
    Okay, the humor is sort of on a junior high school level, but these are jokes, right? A Cat Heaven One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears. A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"
  • Valerie DurhamValerie Durham Member Posts: 8,724
    edited 12 January, 2011
    Listen to Mother! A mother cat was teaching her kitten cat lore. She explained that this was the duty of all mother cats since before recorded history and it was important that her kitten would not do anything to embarrass her when she allowed her master to play with her. At the end of the lesson, after she had gone over all the cat rules such as ignoring anything the human might say, she asked her kitten if there was question she might want to ask. The kitten said, "Momma, you have given me all the situations a cat might get into and the proper cat-responses but, what should I do if a new situation comes up that you haven't covered?" Momma cat responded, "Oh my gosh! I'm SO glad you asked that. I've gotten into so many rules that I forgot the most important first rule!" Kitten asked: "What is that, Momma?" Momma drew up and looked kitten right in the eye and said: "When in doubt -- wash!"
  • Abby StolbergAbby Stolberg Prairie VillageMember Posts: 9,419
    edited 15 January, 2011
    :))Those are great!
  • Valerie DurhamValerie Durham Member Posts: 8,724
    edited 23 January, 2011
    Why Do We Need Humans? So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple: THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping. Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice. Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want: Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children. Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's golden time is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious. Punishing Your Human Being Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire--the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives: Use the cat box during an important formal dinner. Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude. Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack. After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling. While your human is sleeping, lie on its face. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive? The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented. After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend that cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it. How Long Should You Keep Your Human? You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
  • Linda AbramsLinda Abrams Joanna, SC 29351Member Posts: 555 ✭✭
    edited 23 January, 2011
    These are so great!!:)):)) I'm saving them to the file of "stuff I want to keep". Thanks I needed this!!
  • SterlingAndTheSTeamSterlingAndTheSTeam Mount OliveMember Posts: 41,262 ✭✭✭
    edited 23 January, 2011
    This hung around the Catster forums about 5 years ago, but maybe some haven\'t seen it: The End of the Raven -- by Edgar Allen Poe\'s Cat On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting, I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for. Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven, Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door. \"Raven\'s very tasty,\" thought I, as I tiptoed o\'er the floor, \"There is nothing I like more\". Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore. While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered, Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor; For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and weird decor Bric-a-brac and junk galore. Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered, In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents\' worth - \"Nevermore.\" While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up, Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore. Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore -- Only this and not much more. \"Oooo!\" my pickled poet cried out, \"Pussycat, it\'s time I dried out! Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before; How I\'ve wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty Put and end to that damned ditty\" -- then I heard him start to snore. Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor, Jumped -- and smashed it on the floor. ~ by Eric Portell
  • janice lancasterjanice lancaster temple gaMember Posts: 2,505
    edited 23 January, 2011
    These are all funny, and no, I haven't seen any of them before. :)) Mine are little and stupid, like kittens. Q: What is a cat's favorite color? A. Purr-ple Q: What do kittens call their male parents? A: Paw.
  • Valerie DurhamValerie Durham Member Posts: 8,724
    edited 10 February, 2011
    Okay, this one is only funny if it's told to you by someone with a heavy Yiddish accent: "I know a woman who sleeps vith CATS!!!" "Who?" "Mrs. Katz!" Yeah, not funny when written down, but when my friend used to tell this joke, imitating his father imitating his grandfather, who'd come from the Old Country, it was funny...
  • Valerie DurhamValerie Durham Member Posts: 8,724
    edited 10 February, 2011
    Oh, make that "voman." I'm losing my Yiddish.
  • SterlingAndTheSTeamSterlingAndTheSTeam Mount OliveMember Posts: 41,262 ✭✭✭
    edited 10 February, 2011
    What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They\'re totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They\'re moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They\'re tiny women in little fur coats. :^: What is a Dog? Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food being opened half a block away but don\'t hear you when you\'re in the same room. They can look dumb and loveable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. Conclusion: They\'re tiny men in little fur coats. ~b~
  • Debra PietrowskiDebra Pietrowski Sussex CountyMember Posts: 1,833
    edited 14 February, 2011
    Why did the cat cross the road? To get to the other side. Ahhahahahahhahaha:))! Just had to do that.
  • Brittany ShepherdBrittany Shepherd Sugar LandMember Posts: 27
    edited 15 February, 2011
    Most people have probably already seen this, but I got it in an email, and it seems rather appropriate: A dog thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. They must be Gods!" A cat thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be a God!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *Entries in a Dog's Diary:* 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite! 2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite! 3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! 4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite! 7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite! 8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite! 11 pm -Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite! *Entries in a Cat's Diary:* Day 183 of my captivity ... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by winding around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. She speaks with them regularly. I am certain she reports my every move. Due to her current placement in the metal container, her safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
  • Debra PietrowskiDebra Pietrowski Sussex CountyMember Posts: 1,833
    edited 15 February, 2011
    Yep, Id say that was rather dumb who ever wrote it.
  • Lacie BowdenLacie Bowden HoustonMember Posts: 8
    edited 17 February, 2011
  • Emily WilchaEmily Wilcha Member Posts: 21
    edited 10 January, 2012
    Here is a joke my younger told me about our first cat: "Emily is good at math. Emily, what is zero plus zero? See, she said nothing!" Emily was born the second week of March, so I liked to call her "queen of all catfish" because it meant she was a Pisces (fish).
  • Christine LaverieChristine Laverie Member Posts: 305
    edited 17 June, 2013
    My Harvey your a funny kitty!! I have NEVER heard any of those jokes in my life!! And hopefully I will see more, I laughed at every one!!! :)):)):)):))! Who needs Humans eh? I mean their not BAD but their not TOTALLY AMAZING! I mean my owner is pretty cool.....She feeds me enough she gives me the right treats at treat time, but hey, I said not bad....Keep that in mind BOL!!!
  • danaray830danaray830 Member Posts: 1
    Here’s a cat joke: why are cats afraid of space?

    answer: because it’s a vacuum
  • kirberrykirberry Member Posts: 1
    yay
  • buenavides1buenavides1 Member Posts: 3

    Q: What did the grandma cat say to her grandson when she saw him slouching?

    A: You need to pay more attention to my pawsture.


     :p 

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